TIGER BOMB EXCLUSIVE!

MANAGER CAUGHT NAKED ONLINE

by Harry Doyle

BREAKING NEWS:  The Tigers' Manager has been exposed online!  Naked self-shots of the manager's hairy groin have appeared on the internet, the result of an apparent hack on the e-mail account of Ashley Scanlon! 

The illicit photograghs can be seen below.

This is an unprecedented scandal and may result in McNeil being fired as Manager. 

"This is disgusting, horrfic.  How are we supposed to market the Tigers as family-friendly after seeing these photos?," Tigers owner Mike Ilitch asked to a packed press room.  "I can't believe this kid, I just can't fucking believe it."

No word yet from Ms. Scanlon, although her father chimed in just moments ago.

"Eh, we could bat this issue around for a long time and get all hot under the collar but what's the use?  I told you all before she's a slut, why is this news?  Let's just focus on the sport.  He's a good kid, they were fucking in my home, I knew it.  So, fuck it."

1997 First-Round pick and diehard Christian Josh Hamilton also sounded off:  "This kid's a sick fuck and a terrible role model for our kids.  I'd never do anything like that....ever."

Well folks, it's been a tough start for Manager McNeil, see the photos and listen to the radio interview below:

-photos have been censored-

1997 A.L. EAST PREVIEW

1. New York Yankees
Predicted finish: 97-65

The Yankees are the most imposing threat in the division.  1996 Rookie of the Year Derek Jeter will set the table for three perennial sluggers (Williams, Martinez, and O'Neill).  Pettitte and Cone are the strongest 1-2 starter punch in the league.  Mix in Rivera at closer and you can't argue with a 1st place finish.

Strengths: Two incredible starters.  Strongest 3-4-5 outside Seattle and Cleveland.  The X-factor.

Weaknesses: Question marks at the back of the rotation.  Average defense.

Player to Watch: Andy Pettitte.  Being a left-hander matched against right-handed Strat-O cards, Pettitte will likely surpass his actual season totals.  Twenty wins is almost a guarantee.

Lineup:               
                       OPS  AVG  OBP HR RBI SB
SS Derek Jeter        .775 .291 .370 10  70 23 
2B Luis Sojo          .727 .307 .355  2  25  3
CF Bernie Williams    .952 .328 .408 21 100 15
1B Tino Martinez      .948 .296 .371 44 141  3
RF Paul O'Neill       .912 .324 .399 21 117 15
3B Charlie Hayes      .728 .258 .332 11  53  3
DH Wade Boggs         .769 .292 .373  4  28  0
LF Chad Curtis        .837 .291 .362 12  50 12
 C Joe Girardi        .645 .264 .311  1  50  2

Pitching:               
                       W- L   ERA  WHIP  BB   K
 1 Andy Pettitte      18- 7  2.88  1.24  65 166
 2 David Wells        16-10  4.21  1.30  45 156
 3 David Cone         12- 6  2.82  1.24  86 222
 4 Kenny Rogers        6- 7  5.65  1.54  62  78
 5 Dwight Gooden       9- 5  4.91  1.59  53  66
CL Mariano Rivera     43 SV  1.88  1.19  20  68

2. Baltimore Orioles
Predicted finish: 96-66

The Orioles are a veritable power house.  Twin 390+ OBP players will bat 1 & 2 in their lineup, anchored by slugger Rafael Palmeiro.  Baltimore ranked #2 in team ERA in the league and #4 in home runs hit.  Mike Mussina is the unquestionable team leader and consummate ace.

Strengths: League's best rotation, even better bullpen.  Excellent top half of the lineup.  Strong defensive shortstop.

Weaknesses: Defense is a bit below average overall, not a particularly fast team.

Player to Watch: Mike Mussina.  The Orioles will need a top-form Mussina to clinch the division.  He's one of the smartest, clutchest pitchers in the game.

Lineup:                
                       OPS  AVG  OBP HR RBI SB
CF Brady Anderson     .863 .288 .393 18  73 18 
2B Roberto Alomar     .890 .333 .390 14  60  9
DH Geronimo Berroa    .750 .260 .347 10  48  1
1B Rafael Palmeiro    .815 .254 .329 38 110  5
3B Cal Ripken, Jr.    .733 .270 .331 17  84  1
LF B.J. Surhoff       .803 .284 .345 18  88  1
RF Jeffrey Hammonds   .809 .264 .323 21  55 15
 C Chris Hoiles       .794 .259 .375 12  49  1
SS Mike Bordick       .601 .236 .283  7  46  0

Pitching:              
                       W- L   ERA  WHIP  BB   K
 1 Mike Mussina       15- 8  3.20  1.12  54 218
 2 Scott Erickson     16- 7  3.69  1.26  61 131
 3 Jimmy Key          16-10  3.43  1.38  82 141
 4 Scott Kamieniecki  10- 6  4.01  1.37  67 109
 5 [Spot Starters]
CL Randy Myers        45 SV  1.51  1.16  22  56

3. Boston Red Sox
Predicted finish: 84-78

The Red Sox have the shittiest pitching in the league.  Nevertheless, the offense is so strong and the lineup so circular that you can't count 'em out.  They will need to win the slugfests and provide strong run support for Wakefield and Gordon.

Strengths: The Red Sox can flat-out rake.  Arguably the most complete lineup in the division.   Good speed and solid defense.

Weaknesses: Lacking an ace.  Unreliable closer.  Bottom of the rotation is worst in division.  Lineup prone to streaks.

Player to Watch: Nomar Garciaparra.  He's better than his counterpart in New York and a complete player.  Defensive magician.

Lineup:                
                       OPS  AVG  OBP HR RBI SB
SS Nomar Garciaparra  .875 .306 .342 30  98 22 
2B John Valentin      .871 .306 .372 18  77  7
1B Mo Vaughn          .980 .315 .420 35  96  2
DH Reggie Jefferson   .828 .319 .358 13  67  1
LF Wilfredo Cordero   .752 .281 .320 18  72  1
RF Troy O'Leary       .837 .309 .358 15  80  0
 C Scott Hatteberg    .788 .277 .354 10  44  0
CF Darren Bragg       .723 .257 .337  9  57 10
3B Jeff Frye          .785 .312 .352  3  51 19

Pitching:               
                       W- L   ERA  WHIP  BB   K
 1 Tim Wakefield      12-15  4.25  1.39  87 151
 2 Tom Gordon          6-10  3.74  1.28  78 159
 3 Aaron Sele         13-12  5.38  1.56  80 122
 4 Jeff Suppan         7- 3  5.69  1.57  36  67
 5 Steve Avery         6- 7  6.42  1.82  49  51
CL Heath Slocumb      17 SV  5.79  1.97  34  36

4. Detroit Tigers
Predicted finish: 78-84

The Tigers have bits and pieces but are still a long a way from being a division contender.  Rookie shortstop Deivi Cruz and weak-hitting Raul Casanova will drain the team's offense.  Higginson and Clark will be a nice 1-2, but unless Brian Hunter steps up his offense performance and snags 100 bases, the Tigers will be put out to pasture by June.

Strengths: Pitching is solid and steady.  Tigers possess the most lethal threat on the base-paths.  Fair amount of home run power.

Weaknesses: Defense is abysmal.  Bottom third of the lineup is laughable.  New manager.

Player to Watch: Manager Mat McNeil.  The scrappy young man with a criminal record and a propensity for drinking heavily and using the word "nigger" might find himself  lashing out at reporters during post-game pressers and grabbing the asses of female clubbies.  We're not so sure the ever-impatient McNeil is right for this club.

Lineup:                
                       OPS  AVG  OBP HR RBI SB
CF Brian Hunter       .687 .269 .334  4  45 74 
2B Damion Easley      .833 .264 .362 22  72 28
RF Bobbo Higginson    .899 .299 .379 27 101 12
1B Tony Clark         .876 .276 .376 32 117  1
DH Bob Hamelin        .853 .270 .366 18  52  2
3B Travis Fryman      .766 .274 .326 22 102 16
RF Melvin Nieves      .762 .228 .311 20  64  1
 C Raul Casanova      .641 .243 .308  5  24  1
SS Deivi Cruz         .577 .241 .263  2  40  3

Pitching:               
                       W- L   ERA  WHIP  BB   K
 1 Justin Thompson    15-11  3.02  1.14  66 151
 2 Brian Moehler      11-12  4.67  1.48  61  97
 3 Willie Blair       16- 8  4.17  1.33  46  90
 4 Omar Olivares       5- 6  4.70  1.42  53  74
 5 Scotty Sanders      3- 8  5.33  1.39  24  58
CL Todd Jones         31 SV  3.09  1.36  35  70

5. Toronto Blue Jays
Predicted finish: 72-90

If it weren't for starters Roger Clemens and Pat Hentgen, the Blue Jays would be a complete joke.  The offense is terribly weak, the middle of the order being particularly terrible.  There are several young exciting players on this club, but it's going to take a miracle.  Put hand grenades in the mouths of these nerds and hit the detonators, the Jays season is already in the books.

Strengths: Roger Clemens is the best starter in the league, statistically.  Good defense, especially at shortstop.  Quick, scrappy team.

Weaknesses: Offense is deader than Billy Martin behind the wheel of a Ford pickup.  Offense ranked last in average, on-base, and slugging.  Joe Carter is a corspe at the dish.

Player to Watch: Carlos Delgado.  The young slugger is sure to make a splash this season.  All offensive hopes are pinned on this young man's back.

Lineup:                
                       OPS  AVG  OBP HR RBI SB
CF Otie Nixon         .647 .262 .343  1  26 47 
RF Orlando Merced     .765 .266 .352  9  40  7
1B Carlos Delgado     .878 .262 .350 30  91  0
DH Joe Carter         .683 .234 .284 21 102  8
3B Ed Sprague         .691 .228 .306 14  48  0
UT Shawn Green        .809 .287 .340 16  53 14
SS Alex Gonzalez      .689 .239 .302 12  35 15
 C Benito Santiago    .667 .243 .279 13  42  1
2B Carlos Garcia      .562 .220 .253  3  23 11

Pitching:              
                       W- L   ERA  WHIP  BB   K
 1 Roger Clemens      21- 7  2.05  1.03  68 292
 2 Pat Hentgen        15-10  3.68  1.23  71 160
 3 Woody Williams      9-14  4.35  1.37  66 124
 4 Robert Person       5-10  5.61  1.44  60  99
 5 Juan Guzman         3- 6  4.95  1.32  31  52
CL Kelvim Escobar     14 SV  2.90  1.52  19  36

1997 DETROIT TIGERS: OUT FOR BLOOD!

Official promotional video:

INTERVIEW WITH THE MANAGER

We sat down with Manager Mat McNeil to ask him some questions about the upcoming season:

Q: Mat, the season is quickly approaching, spring training begins in a couple weeks.  This team was awful last season, what can you promise the fans this year?

A: We'll be competitive, no doubt.  And when I say competitive, I'm saying we're going to contend for the AL East title.  I don't give a [expletive deleted] what anyone says about that.  We have a solid cast of pitchers and I really like our lineup.  We're gonna bat Bobbo 3rd, we will get solid run production from the top half of the lineup, 2nd half needs to step up.

Q: Speaking of the 2nd half, Deivi Cruz, the 24-yr-old rook will be your starting SS.  What do you expect from Deivi?

A: Solid defense.  Offense probably won't be there.  We will bunt Deivi from time to time.  But the defense ought to be solid.  It's tough to start a rook at such an important position but Deivi is solid with he glove, I expect him to be a top 5 shortstop in the league.

Q: Brian Hunter is a prolific base stealer, how will you use him this year?

A: Well, Hunter's OBP is lower than we'd like, but when he gets on we will be running him into the ground.  If we can use Hunter effectively, we can really help aid our offense because we need to be able to match the offense of Baltimore and New York.  Everything this year is about competing with those guys. We will be taking risks, no doubt, we can't afford not to.  Fans will appreciate the hard scrabble ball, I think.

Q: You're only 24, young for a manager, do these guys respect you?

A: They better.  No bullshitting or fucking around this season.  I want to see game faces.  No sluts on road trips.  We're playin dead serious ball, we're out to slit throats, we're betting the house this season.  If we start impressing people, we will gain confidence and maybe we can snag a wildcard.

Q: What do you think of the new interleague play this season?

A: I don't like it but we got to get these people to the park so oh well.  I wish we had more games vs. Yanks and Baltimore so we can makeup games.

Q: Tiger Stadium will allow titties to be shown during 7th inning stretch.  Does this harm the integrity of the game?

A: No, it enhances the game.  I like the new weed and alcohol rules, I don't give a fuck.  Who cares, look we'll be pulling 11,000 fans a game if we're lucky, let the loyals do as they please. 

Q: Any last thoughts?

A: .500 at worst, division title at best.  Fuck all haters, fuck em all.  This is what we always wanted to do, pussies.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!



ROD ALLEN DIES

by Ezra Rosenstein

Former major league bench warmer Rod Allen is dead.  His naked body was found in a gay bar in Las Vegas.  He was 30-something years old.
Allen dies with a .220 career batting average, 0 home runs, and only 50 at-bats.  He simply wasn't good enough to play in the majors.  Nevertheless, he was a good-spirited man.

He had dreams of becoming an MLB announcer.  It's unlikely it ever would've happened though because he couldn't speak properly and often said annoying nonsense that bothered his team mates. 

He'll be remembered best for chasing a japanese guy and threatening to kick his ass after being beaned with a ball.

During his days in Japan, Allen frequented gay bars and was well known in the Japanese queer nightlife scene.  Some bukkake vids of him can still be found.  He was a clown.

"He was always saying stupid shit, nonsense, that made us laugh," said a choked-up Alan Trammell.  "He sucked balls but we miss him."

Allen's body was filled with concrete and dumped in the Pacific Ocean at his family's request.

I'll miss ya big fella.