BRING YOUR KID TO THE PARK!

by Harry Doyle

Bring your kid to the the ball park this season!  Ticket specials including free hot dogs & pops!  Kids run the bases after every Sunday home game!  Beers cost $8.50.

Attention Under-Priveledged Kids:

You can come to the park at a reduced rate!  Just tell your local church or minority advocate organization to call us up and we'll get you and your friends to the game!  You'll be sitting beneath the right field over-hang, right by Bobby Higginson!  NOTICE: Obstructed-view seats ONLY!  Tickets can be voided at ANY TIME.  Children must be potty trained.  No animals.  So come on out to the park and cheer on Bobb-o Higginson.  You might even catch a homer (you won't really catch a homer because you'll be beneath the right-field overhang where balls literally, physically, cannot land.  One might bounce...a ground-rule double).  

Meet Sparky Anderson!:

The legendary Tigers skipper will be here the first Sunday after opening day.  The old buzzard looks good, with a little luck he'll live another 12 years, 10 months, 1 week, 1 day, and a few hours.  Gotta love...Sparky!

Kids, Get Your Parents & Go Get  a McDonalds Value Meal & Coke, NOW!



LYNCHING AT TURNER FIELD!

by Harry Doyle

ATLANTA -- A young black man was found hanging from the rafters at Atlanta's Turner Field this morning.  He is deceased.  Authorities will release his name upon notification of his family. 

The event has shocked the baseball community.  A racially-charged act of violence to this degree has never before occured in major league baseball, not even in days of segregation.  Turner Field security personnel reviewed closed-circuit surveillance footage and were able to record the entire event.  Here's the story of what the tape tells.

The young nigger apparently worked for the Atlanta Braves organization.  In the tape he is seen mopping floors.  Suddenly he is accosted by two seemingly drunk white males who push and slap him.  He is dunked in the mop bucket and repeatedly whipped with a chain.  He was later sodomized.  The poor young man was then dragged onto the field and beaten with bats.  He was taken on an escalator to a third-level rafter and hanged.  Behind him a sign read "Braves win in '97 or die." 

The young men were sipping whiskey, wore goatees, and had matching red-knit hats which may have featured a rebel flag.  They are considered armed, dangerous, and diehard Braves fans.  The Atlanta Police Department was able to collect a ton of useful evidence, including fingerprints, but later inexplicably lost all of it.  It is unlikely the killers will ever be found.

Commissioner Bob Scanlon addressed the incident this morning.

"Major League Baseball is absolutely horrified about the young man's death," Scanlon said, holding back tears.  "I want all African American fans to know that we love them and we stand united with them.  Baseball is a game of unity.  I'm so [expletive deleted] sorry.  We are working out a compensation package worth millions for the family."

We asked Bobby Cox how he felt. 

"They really took care of 'em [the dead kid.]  Looking forward to starting the season, use this as a reminder to play well."

Authorities feel the assailants may lynch again.  Ballpark security will be tight. 

"Atlanta is racist, man," a Detroiter told me today, "they fuckin' racist down there, a ruthless city."

This event will cast an ominous shadow over the entire '97 season.  Let's hope the Braves win so nobody else dies.   Unity will prevail.  God bless that young man.

In a strange twist of events that just lit up our news wire, it appears Commissioner Scanlon's daughter knew the young man.  It is unknown how or why they are connected.

COMMISH'S DAUGHTER IN NAKED PHOTO SCANDAL

by Harry Doyle

NEW YORK -- MLB Commissioner Bob Scanlan is red-faced today after extremely graphic photos of his hot, young, wet, teen daughter were found in the locker of an MLB player.  MLB is not releasing the guilty player's name, nor is he on suspension (fucking the commissioner's daughter is not prohibitied), but the scandal may prove to bring down the embattled commissioner.

Scanlan had recently set down a rule allowing beer, weed, and other drugs in MLB clubhouses.  Now his daughter, with a recently waxed pussy is making the rounds in MLB clubhouses, harming the integrity of the game.

"I've said for years she's a slut, fuck it, the pussy is dope, who cares, shes 19," said Scanlon, a remarkably liberal man.  "I've seen the photos, I don't care, let's play baseball.  She's drawing young fans to the game."

In the photo, Ashley Scanlon is lying on her back, a hairless asshole and pussy exposed. 

COMMISH: WEED, BOOZE OKAY

by Harry Doyle


NEW YORK -- Major League Baseball Commissioner Bob Scanlan handed down a controversial decision today which will allow major league managers to use marijuana and alcohol during gametime in the 1997 season.  The rule, the first of its kind in American sports, was announced by Scanlan via fax from MLB corporate headquarters in Manhattan.

The rule applies to managers only, players are still required to adhere to MLB contraband policy.  Drinking will be permitted in the the dugouts throughout the game, but cannabis must be consumed in the clubhouse, off-camera.

"It's been no secret that managers have been drinking during games for years," Scanlan explained in the fax.  "What do you think they've been pouring in that gatorade cup all these years?  It's time we get real and quit enforcing silly rules that are bound to be broken.  I just ask that managers behave and keep it together."

Braves' manager Bobby Cox commented moments after the decision: "Finally."

Commissioner Scanlan has been criticized of late for making baseball less family-friendly.  His decision to allow the Kansas City Royals to put strip club ads throughout the park drew ire from families and chruch groups.

"This is baseball, we're tired of watering down the sport.  Enough of the ferris wheels, we need more grit, more credibility."

We asked manager Mat McNeil if he was going to comply with the regulations.

"Yep.  I'm going to do what I always have: whiskey on the road trips, beer and weed at home.  Winning formula."

Sportswriters have almost uniformly criticized the rule, warning of an increase in team fights and profanity-laced post-game pressers. 

"Bunch of bullshit," replied Scanlon.

Apparently inter-league play won't be the only major change in baseball in 1997.  It's going to be one crazy season.

WELCOME FANS

by Harry Doyle

Welcome, good lookers, to the '97 DETROIT TIGER BOMB blog.

My name is Harry Doyle, beat writer for the 1997 Strat-O-Matic Detroit Tigers.  This season I'll be providing all pertinent information: news, scores, rumors, updates, here at Tiger Bomb Web Blog.  The blog will be updated daily.

Well it sure has been a long winter for the Tigers.  After posting a league-worst 53-109 record last season, the Tigers will be looking to ride a rising tide under new manager, Mat McNeil.  McNeil will be officially announced as team manager at a press conference later this week. 

The Tigers will have to contend with two tough divisional clubs this season: New York and Baltimore.  Detroit is the consensus pick for 3rd place finish this season. 

Although, McNeil hasn't yet been available for an official press interview, a source close to the Tigers told me he was "disgusted" at the Tigers 6.38 team ERA and .256 team batting average last season (league worsts in both categories).

Spring Training is still a couple months away, but stay tuned for league information.

Here now, a song from Harry Doyle's favorite modern collection: